Creative Differences With A Squirrel

My wife was nice enough to pick up a pumpkin for me to carve for Halloween this year. She picked it up at the start of October. I thought this was a bit early, but she said it’d be fine. Just put it on the back patio, she said, it’ll still be good by Halloween. Just don’t carve it until then.

Apparently, the squirrel who lives near my back patio is helping me carve this year:


As you can see, the squirrel and I are having some creative differences.

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How Long Until The State Farm Commercials Need A Warning?

How long do you think it’ll be until the State Farm commercials need a jingle? You know the ones, someone gets into trouble and they summon their agent by singing the State Farm jingle. You also know where I’m going with this.

Think about it. Think about all the warning labels we’ve decided as a society that we need. There’s no way we think we need many of them…but there’s a reason they’re there. There is always someone out there who can surprise you with the things they actually will do that you can’t possibly imagine.

Picture this: You’ve just gotten into a fender bender. You get out of your car to exchange insurance information. Suddenly, the other driver breaks into song: Like a good neighbor….No, they won’t be joking.

Sounds crazy? Just think of some of the warning labels you’ve seen. There’s a chance this could actually happen. Then State Farm commercials will have to bear the warning: Singing is not actually an acceptable way to contact your insurance agent. Please call, email, write, or stop by your agent’s office in person.

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Fear Of A Winter Apocalypse

We’ve been having some really nice weather here. Really nice. Like in the 80s at the end of October. I don’t think it’s snowed at all in the actual city limits yet. If it has, it was only unnoticeable flurries so far.

However, I spent the majority of my youth in Nebraska. Good weather in Nebraska means that sooner or later you’ll get even worse weather to compensate. It’s the Midwestern way of life. It’s the way things are.

Thus, I’m expecting a total winter apocalypse.

I mean, we always seem to have at least one decent snow before Halloween. At least, it seems that way since I’ve moved here. There’s almost always a decent chilling before Halloween hits. Not winter by any means, but something. But…it’s all been nice so far.

Clearly this will be the worst winter on record.

I’ve heard a lot of people predicting. Worse than average cold. Warmer than normal. Above average snowfall. Average snowfall. There have been all kinds of reports, some of which were just hoaxes. Regardless, I bet no one really has any idea.

I’m just sitting over here with my Midwestern worry. You don’t get good weather without something worse coming later…and it’s been pretty nice.

(Of course, too little snowfall means droughts and wildfires later anyway, so maybe winter could be mild and all that could come later. Still, I’m expecting something. Sometime.)

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Details Not Widely Known About The Smashing Of The Oklahoma Ten Commandments Monument

Apparently, a driver recently smashed the controversial Ten Commandments monument in Oklahoma. Police are looking for the vandal, but there are some details I noticed that there are details of which many people seem to be unaware. I figured people needed to be aware of this information.

For example, though not mentioned in the article, police suspect that the perpetrator may be a man named “Moses.” There are reports that this “Moses” may have become enraged when he encountered the Children of Israel worshiping a golden calf. This rage may have provoked him to vandalize the monument.

Police are reportedly following various leads, but we should all probably keep our eyes out for anyone who looks like this:

(Note: since I wrote this but before it ran, police apparently picked up a suspect. Whatever, I’m still blaming Moses.)

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What About Fantasy Tennis?

I hear people talk a lot about fantasy football. If I’ve got this right, you pick an entire team from any pro players currently playing. Then you get some sort of complicated score assigned to you based on how those individual players performed in their respective games for their respective teams. At least, this is how I imagine it works. Regardless, that’s way too frickin complicated. Too much work.

I’d be more interested in fantasy tennis. After all, you’d just have to pick a single player. Maybe two if you go for doubles.

It’s not like there’d even be that many athletes you’d have to choose from. Lots play, but there’s usually only a small group who win everything.

Not that I know much about tennis either.

In fact, this sounds like a pretty boring idea too. I probably wouldn’t want to have to play this either. I’d rather just read a book. However, if I had to, I’d probably prefer this to fantasy football.

Just a personal thing.

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It Might Be Early To Advertise That Denver TrueValue Reunion

I understand that there are often signs put up on the free Denver mall shuttle on the 16th street mall advertising conventions that are in town. However, it might be a bit early to advertise for the TrueValue Fall reunion:


After all, it’s 2014 not 2104. 90 years is a bit ahead of time…not to mention presumptuous that the company is still going to be around then. It could be, but there’s no sense tempting fate.

Of course, maybe they just named it the TrueValue Fall 2104 reunion for some reason despite the fact that it occurs in the year 2014. Or, it might just be a typo. Still, it amused me enough that I had to say something about it.

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Let’s Celebrate The Upcoming Midterm Election

Since the midterm elections are upon us again, let’s celebrate with the Schoolhouse Rock themed midterm election satire The Daily Show did back in 2002:—-mid-term-elections

Just as relevant today as it was twelve years ago. Gotta keep a sense of humor about these things to avoid breaking down into tears.

Still…be sure to vote.

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