In imaginary sports news, the Yankees have been announced as the official winners of the 2012 world series by default after the team purchased the last baseball-capable person on Earth. As no person able to play baseball remains who is not already part of the Yankees team, baseball commissioners determined no need remained to finish the remainder of the season and officially declared the Yankees as the winners.
The Yankees have long been known for having a higher than average performance rate, due at least in part to the teams ability and willingness to commit money for the purposes of buying the best possible players. Results have not always been proportional to the money expended, but the strategy has always served in team well. Team spokespersons commented that they just figured they’d: “Kick things up a notch.”
Kicking things up a notch apparently involved buying every player currently playing professional baseball on any team currently existing in the world instead of merely buying the best players. Also included apparently was the purchase of all minor league players, all college players, all little league players, all sandlot players, anyone who ever watched baseball, anyone who ever threw or swung anything, anyone with legs and/or arms (singular or plural), anyone not in a coma, anyone in a coma who might ever come out of the coma, and every last human being on Earth.
“Hell,” team spokespersons commented, “we figured why stop with the best? We’d just buy everybody. Who cares how they perform then? We’d still win for sure!”
As no other professional baseball team was able to field a team after the Yankees’ acquisitions, they were all forced to forfeit the remainder of the season. Reports indicate that scouts for the other teams have started to explore options for next season involving any primates left on the planet not currently employed by the Yankees. Spokespersons for the Yankees just laughed, indicating deals were already in process for all gorillas, chimps, orangutans, gibbons, and bonobo monkeys.
