Given that Microsoft is going ahead with the launch of the Surface tablet and no one has yet to be able to explain to me why, I thought we might discuss a few products that Microsoft might launch next. After all, with successes like the Microsoft Zune, Microsoft is sure to have success with the Surface and will have some extra money to play around with launching other products they’ve been developing.
Now, I have no evidence that Microsoft is developing the following products (I imagined them whole-cloth), but based on the Zune and the Surface, I’m sure they will:
- The Microsoft EscaNow: A new motorized moveable staircase product for malls and other public places. Microsoft plans that the biggest advantage will be compatibility with existing windows, but current implementations only go up. Further, current implementations do not automatically bring stairs around to the bottom once they reach the top. This operation must be performed manually.
- Microsoft FrapPadillo: Intended to overtake the highly successful Starbucks line, Microsoft imagines that people would much prefer the taste of cod liver oil to caramel and chocolate.
- Microsoft S+AYE!+Vings Account: For those bored with the stodginess of traditional banking products, here is savings that are marketed to be associated with feelings of coolness. Unfortunately, software that maintains accounts currently has a memory leak that drains money from accounts on a slow but steady basis if each account is not rebooted frequently.
- Microsoft PennnnnACy_Illin': A new pharmaceutical for fighting infections in the body. Though the drug does not have greater efficiency than current antibiotics for fighting infections, and does not affect a greater number of bacteria, it does allow you to post current bacterial-fighting stats automatically to social media. On the down side, current implementations give you herpes simplex ten.
- Microsoft EEEEEEBook: Tired of your e-reader batteries always going dead? Well, Microsoft has an answer. This e-reader has books printed on some sort of physical substance, like paper. Unfortunately, the refresh rate of the text is by default the same cycle rate as florescent lights so it can cause migraines in some users.
And there we have it. I hope I’m not spoiling things for Microsoft by revealing things too early in my speculations, but they’ve had such good strategies lately that I am sure it won’t hurt them at all. I mean, it’s not like they ever had a product like Microsoft Bob.