Don’t Trust Strippers (Or Your Friends)

I would think this would go without saying, but experience seems to prove to the contrary.  Guys, do not trust strippers.  Do not trust your friends.  Do not trust combinations of strippers and your friends.  These are not good combinations.  They lead to malice, particularly where the stage dance is concerned.  If you hear your name called for a stage dance, it is not a good thing.  One of you “buds” has just paid for your humiliation.

I don’t know if they have this particular offering at all strip clubs.  I’ve only seen it at one for sure, good old Shakers in Waverly (I do seem to be talking about Shakers a lot, don’t I?).

Anyway, the concept of this dance is a lot like a private dance, except no privacy.  Typically, some guy’s friend buys him one of these (I don’t want to meet the sort of guy who would buy one of these for himself, a masochist at least) and then, instead of the stripper’s usual set, she hauls this poor sap up on stage and gives him a “private” dance on stage.

Doesn’t sound so bad?  Well, it isn’t the public nature of this that is the problem.  Who cares about that?  The objectionable part is the stripper doesn’t exactly treat the guy nice.  Most of it is fairly harmless.  They tie the guy up with his own belt if he has one (or just make him not move) and dance all over him.  Sometimes they write on his face with lipstick or such, ride him like a horsie, all that sort of thing.  However, the finishing move involves reaching into the back of his pants and ripping out the elastic on his underwear.  I first heard about this as a specialty of one particular stripper at Shakers.  However, I’ve since seen it practiced by most of the strippers who provide stage dances.  I guess caught on.  I’ve seen it happen to three guys in a row (yes, they were friends of mine and I was in on the contributions to buy them the stage dance).

Strangely enough, a lot of guys seem to enjoy this treatment.  They come off the stage with a big shit-eating grin on their faces, if not intact underpants.  One guy even shouted over the music: “She tore my underwear!”  Fine.  Have at it, guys.  That isn’t my cup of tea, though.  I have no intention of ever getting up for a stage dance.  Guess I’m not into abuse, good natured or otherwise.

I’m not quite sure why this is so popular.  Guys really seem to go in for humiliating their friends.  It’s all in the spirit of fun, but still.  There is a cruel edge to it.  Of course, if you’re all drunk then who cares, right?

Now, this sort of thing doesn’t always go on without incident.  The events I’m thinking of in particular I was not present for, but as I said before- if something is told to me I adopt it into my personal experience and therefore can write about it.  In this particular situation, a friend told me about paying to send another guy we knew on stage for such a stage dance.  True to form, the girl danced on him, tied him to the pole with his belt and wrote on his face with lipstick, rode him around the stage like a horsie using his belt as a bridle, and then tied his hands to the pole with his belt and went to rip the elastic out of his underpants.  He, of course, was ignorant of the finale.

He had to have been.  You see, he didn’t happen to be wearing any underpants.  The stripper, not knowing that, reached in and pulled.  See, he was really hairy.  She got a big hand full of his ass hair and ripped it out with all her might.  I do believe it was reported that you could hear him scream over the music.  She probably screamed even louder after that, realizing she had a big hand full of ass hair.

All in all, whether you have underwear on or not, know what you are getting into guys.  Know that a stage dance may not be a good thing, particularly if you’re friends bought it for you.  Strippers are not to be trusted and your friends probably aren’t either (especially if the two are in collusion).  Your humiliation is just too funny.  Especially if they’ve been drinking.

If you want to be a good sport and get up there, go ahead.  Who knows?  Maybe you’ll enjoy it.  Maybe you’re into that sort of thing and you didn’t know it before.  Just know what you and your underwear are getting into.  After that, you’re on your own.  I’ll sure be laughing at you if I happen to be there.

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About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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4 Responses to Don’t Trust Strippers (Or Your Friends)

  1. Jake says:

    If I wasn’t there for that, I do remember a similar show, and after the girl fished around his backside for about 5 seconds, realized she didn’t find any underwear, and seemed a little disheartened. This occurred on the same trip with the small dude and the Amazon.

  2. Aaron says:

    I saw that happen like four times one night and thought to myself never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever . . . . Then again, it is kind of nice to see that the degradation is a two-way road after all.

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