Don’t Trust Little Dickheads on the Fourth of July

As a word of warning, it is unwise to trust little dickheads on the fourth of July.  This probably goes without saying, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

This particular thought goes back to a fourth of July when I bought a whole shitload of Thunderbombs.  I’m sure everyone is familiar with these things.  They are like black cats, but cheaper.  The bang is the same but they have something like a two second fuse even though it looks just as long as the fuse on a black cat.  Don’t be fooled by the appearance.  Light and throw.  They blow up that quick.

Anyway, I had a crapload of these things but we were spending all day blowing shit up so I wasn’t going to have enough if I lit them off in the bundles they came in.  Instead I unwound them all and carried around a bag of the individual Thunderbombs, lighting them off one by one.

There was this little dickhead that lived in my friend’s neighborhood.  We didn’t really like the little dork, but we let him hang around.  He didn’t have any fireworks of his own so we occasionally let him light off one or two of ours.  I had all these main fuses that had formerly connected my bundles of Thunderbombs that I didn’t need since I unwrapped the bundles and for some reason this little dickhead wanted them.  I had not use for them, though I couldn’t see why he wanted them, so I gave them to him.  This was a big mistake.

For a while he just lit the fuses and watched them burn.  However, at one point he lit one and tossed it right in the big bag of loose Thunderbombs I was holding.  A big explosion, hearing damage, and partial temporary blindness was the result.

Now, we did get him back for this, don’t think we didn’t, but it just goes to show the point of this post.  Don’t trust little dickheads.  Particularly on the fourth of July.  They are plotting things.  Just kick their ass right away.  It’ll save time and hearing loss.

About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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