I Would Like to Apologize to Whoever That Girl Was in Seattle That One Time

To that girl in Seattle that one time, I would like to apologize.  Sometimes innocent bystanders just have to take a hit in the name of humor.  I expect that you understand.  Still, I am sorry that your involvement was involuntary.  For the benefit of everyone else, as well as so the girl can know who she is, I will explain.

Back in 1996, a friend came up to visit me in Seattle.  I was just bumming around at the time so we didn’t exactly keep normal person hours.  In fact, we stayed up for days on end and had a habit of wandering around the residential neighborhoods of West Seattle late at night.  There might have even been a little damage involved from the impulses that sprung up in our sleep-addled and easily amused brains.

For example, there was a particular piece of graffiti on a wall I was passing one time that read “Morpheus will hurt you bad.”  We would never have taken exception to this, bought some spray paint, and edited the phrase with a simple comma to read “Morpheus, will hurt you bad.”  We did other things, but we wouldn’t have done that.

The incident I have to apologize for occurred around three in the morning.  We were just wandering around the neighborhoods and it was absolutely dead.  Absolutely.  Well, not completely.  There was this girl walking.  We don’t know where, she never spoke to us.  However, she was there (and she was cute) so she became the focus for our current malfeasance.

Now, we didn’t do anything really BAD.  What we did was start to follow her.  And recited a unique version of the hidden track on The Deadmilkmen’s “Metaphysical Graffiti” album where I recited the actual words as if I was a Southern revival preacher and my friend chimed in occasionally with hallelujahs, tell it brothers, amens and such.  You know the song (more of a narrative really), the one about Cousin Earl’s maggot farm (Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk
to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives
out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm.).  Then we followed her, keeping a discreet distance, as we continued our performance.

That isn’t really BAD, is it?  We never threatened.  Not in any way.  Believe me, no one would have been threatened by the likes of us.  She didn’t even speed up.  Or acknowledge us.  Or act like she could hear us.  She just kept walking as she had been and we kept following and doing our little bit.  To us this was very funny.

Still, even though I don’t think we caused this girl any harm (just perhaps some confusion as to what medication we had failed to take), I still want to apologize.  She was there and because the focus point for our shenanigans.  The element that made it particularly funny for us.  So, even though we didn’t really do anything to her, I want to apologize.  Whoever she was.  Though it wouldn’t have been funny if we did, we still probably should have asked her input on whether she wanted to be involved.

About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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