More Fun With WordPress’s Blog Statistical Tracking: Web Search Questions People Entered to Get Directed To My Blog

WordPress is nice enough to track the search terms that people entered before wandering across my blog on the web.  Some of these are understandable, some not, and some are just fucking scary.  Most are just statements.  We won’t worry about those today.

However, some are questions.  Not like people who searched for older ass eating whores 2, angie carlson ass 58, sell your girlfriend for money 3 (numbers indicate the number of people who searched for that exact term.  No, real questions.  I thought I’d go through and try to give some answers.  I’ll try to group some similar ones together and condense when possible.

The fun snap questions:

– are fun snaps dangerous 13 (repeatedly): Well, it hurt my ears and I couldn’t see real well

– how to make fun snaps 8 (repeatedly): Dude, just buy them

– what’s in fun snaps 7 (repeatedly): Silver fulminate.

– what makes fun snaps explode 1: See above.

– what are fun snaps 2: A crappy excuse for fireworks.

– how to get the gunpowder out of fun snaps 2 (repeatedly): Put the gunpowder in.  Then take it out.  Other than that, there is no way since there is no gunpowder in funsnaps.

– are fun snaps made with gunpowder 1: Nope.  Silver fulminate.

– how to make a firework with fun snaps 1: Do nothing.  They already are.  Other than that, do a bunch at once.  That’s pretty much it as far as I know.

– what can you do with fun snaps 1: Entertain small children.  Combine the powder from a bunch in a plastic ziplock in order to damage your hearing and/or sight when it inevitably explodes on you.

– how to make a dynamite with fun snapes 1: Seriously?  First, I assume that this meant snaps and was just a simple typo.  I’m not a Harry Potter buff and wouldn’t know anything about fun snapes (though that sounds like a bad porno parody).  Other than that, you really can’t.  Silver fulminate is too unstable to gather in any significant enough quantity to actually do real damage.

Double seriously, why are so many people obsessed with fun snaps?  Sure, there is a nostalgia factor there, but other than that?

The Garfield questions:

– whatever happened to lyman 2 (this came up repeatedly): No one really knows.  Davis has made some jokes, but at some point Davis just stopped drawing him.

– in garfield, when did lyman move away? 1: He didn’t.  See above.

– when did jon adopt odie 1: This never happened either.  One day Odie was Lyman’s dog.  The next, he was Jon’s.  It was never openly discussed.

The Ron Jeremy questions:

– how does ron jeremy get women 1: Does he get them?  Beyond the ones paid to do movies with him?  I’m sure he probably does, but probably because he’s rich (probably at least wealthier than me) and famous.

– how many women have ron jeremy sleep with i his life 1: I’m not sure I can count that high.

– ron jeremy how many women does he have 1: Like possession?  Like he keeps them in jars?  Again, I’m not sure I can count that high.

The Vegas questions:

– how to make vegas slushy 1: First, make it snow in Vegas.  Then, warm it up a little but not too much.  Boom, slushy Vegas.

– what is the address to the gold and silver pawn shop in las vegas nevada 1: 713 South Las Vegas Boulevard, Las Vegas, NV 89101

– why to not go to las vegas 1: Maybe you don’t have any money?  Not much fun going then.

– does big hoss have a girlfriend 1: Hell, how should I know.  Go down to the shop and ask him.

The South Park questions:

– south park episode 201 what was not supposed to be bleeped 1: Sorry, I have no idea.  I’m deliberately wasting your time.

– what was the bleeped text on episode 201 of south park 1: All I know about is the Mohammed bits.

The Nazi questions:

– who is the politician who dresses up in ss uniforms 1: Rich Iott

– why would anyone dress in a nazi uniform 1: The Nazis probably did it because it was their uniform.

The Mormon questions:

– is there more male or female missionaries 1: I’d say male.

– how to nail a female mormon missionary 1: Get her to like you enough that she’s willing to sleep with you.  Other than that, try a hammer and some ten penny nails.

The flaming drink questions:

– why flaming beverages get you more drunk 1: I don’t think they do.  Fire consumes alcohol.  Alcohol gets you drunk.  Thus, flaming drinks have less alcohol and you probably get less drunk.  The fun is in the fire, not that they get you drunker.  I’m just assuming here, though.

– how are you supposed to drink flaming alcohols 1: Carefully.

The Captain America questions:

– who beat in a fight captain america 1: I saw Bullseye kick is ass one time.

– why did spiderman and captain america fight 1: I suspect they were drunk.

Miscellaneous questions:

– how to sell your girlfriend 2: Dude, presuming she consents, just find a buyer.  I don’t have any experience with this and don’t want any, but I’m sure it flows pretty naturally from there.

– who holds the record for most ass pictures 2: Supposedly Angie Carlson.  I still think either George Michael or Jenna Jameson would have to have her beat.

– how did luke flee hoth so easily 1: Magic.

– what does zagat rated mean 1: Not much anymore since they started evaluating places like Burger King and KFC.

– smuggling things in your butt? 1: Dude, something doesn’t become a question just because you put a question mark on it.  Beyond that, I’m not sure what you’re asking.  Seems pretty simple to me.

Whew.  Done.  Now no one can say I didn’t do anything for anybody.  Of course, they can still say I never did anything USEFUL for anybody, but that is another matter.

About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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