You Know What I Feel Like? Giving Historical Figures Inappropriate Nicknames

You know what I feel like today?  I feel like giving historical figures nicknames that are utterly inappropriate to them.  Perhaps even insulting.  Hopefully even insulting, though I’ll have to work pretty hard to insult dead people.

I’m not sure why I want to do this, but it seems like a really fun idea right now.  Maybe I’m still jet-lagged from Egypt.  Maybe I’m just a little on the manic side of bipolar this morning.  Maybe I just don’t feel like writing a real blog post today.

Even I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly why I’m doing this.  Regardless, here we go:

– Gertrude “used to kick Hemingway in the balls and laugh” Stein

– Honoré “never returned his library books” de Balzac

Christopher “secret breakfast racist” Columbus

– Helen “liked to kick small puppies” Keller

– Abraham “king of the piñatas” Lincoln (I know, I’ve advocated this one before.  I just really like it.)

– Eleanor “plotted to take over Antarctica with an army of penguins” Roosevelt

– Ayn “actually Rob Schneider (‘You can do it!’) in disguise” Rand

– Joseph “cried like a girl during sad movies” Stalin

– Julia “once killed a hundred Eskimos with her bare hands” Child

– Louis “never washed his hands after using the bathroom” Pasteur

See how fun that was?  I got to impute horrible, undeserved, and perhaps less funny than I imagine things to beloved historical figures.  Maybe something will even stick, get picked up by the masses and carried forward.  I doubt it, but it’s fun to think so.  Either way, there’s nothing old Honest Abe and the others can do about it.  [insert maniacal laughter here]

About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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