I Reveal The Secret New Government Plan To Fix Unemployment!

That’s right, I am about to reveal the secret new government plan to fix the current unemployment problem.  Be careful, this secret new plan is highly classified.  It was only through listening at locked doors, highly placed bribes, and wild imagining, that I was able to discover this plan before it was unveiled to the world.  Now, I will reveal that plan to all of you.

Have you noticed the way that the government manipulates the unemployment statistics?  For example, umemployment figures do not count children since they are not eligible to work.  However, often the government does not count those who are out of work but have stopped looking for new employment because their employment prospects are so bleak.  Or, the people who aren’t applying for unemployment benefits because they either aren’t eligible for any or what they are eligible for sucks balls compared to what they require to survive.  There are other tricks as well.  By definining exactly who is “unemployed,” the government (under the guise of trying to get a better picture of how many are actually “unemployed”) can manipulate the unemployment statistics to fit the picture that they wish to present.  This may, in fact, be done on a regular basis.

And, this is where the genius of the new secret plan comes into play.  You see, the government is going to define unemployment as a form of employment.  Those who are seeking work will be labelled as entrepreneurs who simply have irregular income and have job duties described as “searching for regular employment.”  Thus, the unemployed will not be considered out of work, they will be considered to be employed in the field of looking for work.

The plan is brilliant!  Not since the fiction of the independent contractor (which allowed companies to shift responsibility for employees onto the employees themselves under the fiction that the employees were separate entitites that companies worked with instead of workers that they very obviously employed) has a fiction like this come together.  The United States will have 0% unemployment!  Instantly!  Without having to spend any money, do anything, or make the situation remotely any better!  What a government success this is!

Of course, economists might say that 0% unemployment isn’t actually a good thing for the economy.  Economists might say that 0% unemployment actually indicates the problem of a shortage in the labor market and that we would see a more efficient marketplace with SOME percentage of unemployment as that would mean that the market had all the labor that it can use.  However, no one is listening much to economists as of late, certainly not until they can agree with each other (I’m talking to you, Chicago and Austrian schools of economics).

Anyway, get ready America!  The government is going to fix the unemployment problem!  No more people will be earning money than before, but there won’t be an unemployment problem.  Won’t that be great?

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About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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