My friend and fellow writer Bill James (author of the novel Parnucklian for Chocolate to be published by Red Hen Press in Spring of 2013) recently posted on his blog a list of things that most people probably don’t know about Wal-Mart. Apparently he learned these things because he had taken a job at the bargain superstore. I’ve never worked for Wal-Mart, but I wanted to get into the act too.
As such, I thought I’d share some dark secrets about Wal-Mart. Since I had no inside knowledge, I just decided to make some shit up:
– Wal-Mart is actually part of a vast, sinister Reagan-era ultra-rich conspiracy to exterminate the poor. At some unidentified and unwarned point in time, Wal-Marts will all snap shut and descend into the magma at the Earth’s core, killing all inside. Indications suggest that the supposed W-time is planned for some Saturday at the beginning of a month, around noonish.
– Rollbacks aren’t real. The price never really changes and they just make up higher prices that products supposedly used to be. No one has ever put forth the effort to figure this out and expose the scam.
– Wal-Mart does have an area in the back where employees will give private dances. Instead of the Champagne Room, since it is Wal-Mart, it is commonly referred to as the Schlitz Malt Liquor Room. Knowledge of this room is not common as employees are only supposed to acknowledge the room if someone asks, and very few people would ever ask a Wal-Mart employee for a private dance.
– Sam Walton was not in fact an entrepreneurial pioneer who started one of the largest retail chains in the world. He was in fact a schtick comedian doing an act. However, when no one laughed and bought stuff instead, he just went with it.
– The toothpaste sold at Wal-Mart won’t clean you teeth. It is in fact part of a secret smuggling conspiracy. It’s actually butter in all those tubes that are their way secretly into Norway. No one ever notices because so few Wal-Mart shoppers brush their teeth and thus never buy the toothpaste tubes that actually contain butter.
Well, there you have it. Several scary secrets about Wal-Mart that have no basis at all in fact or reality. Given the tastes of America currently evidenced by much of the popular media, I didn’t think the total lack of veracity would in any way impair anyone’s enjoyment and might in fact heighten it.