A little while back, friend and fellow writer Jillian Phillips was talking on Facebook about how she was coming across so many good writers published by Red Hen Press. Apparently, she also dreamt that Kate Gale was very excited to borrow her Punky Brewster dvds. I had to notify her that, according to be best information I possessed, Kate Gale doesn’t own a TV.
However, I suddenly wanted to do a parody version of the SNL “The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club” sketch (http://www.hulu.com/watch/277808/saturday-night-live-mr-belvedere-fan-club) with Kate Gale instead of Mr. Belvedere. Since I was too lazy to actually get people together, film this, and release it on YouTube, I got a transcript of the episode (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/91/91sbelvedere.phtml) and modified it.
Anyway, here ’tis:
[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]
Mr. Chairman: Okay, today’s meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now, don’t concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a card-carrying fan of Kate Gale, alright? If you leave your membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we can park in the handicapped space at his brother’s convenience mart.
Cheryl: That’s so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!
Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we resolved to come up with a nickname for Kate Gale that only we use, so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright, ideas?
Doug: How about She-Ra.. or Hot Marge.
Adam: How about the Woman Who Rides Alone.
Doug: Head Cheese?
Melanie: El Stinkmeister.
[ boos ]
Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.
Kevin: How about.. Kate-O.
Mr. Chairman: Kate-O! Hey, I like it! Let’s vote, alright? All in favor of Kate-O, say Aye!
Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!
Mr. Chairman: Kate-O it is!
Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me!
[ Comic enters the room ]
Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Kate-O?
Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they’re doing a Comedy Night here later, and I just got here early to sign up.
Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable, sit anywhere. We’re just getting ready to move on to our next order of business, but anything else?
Doug: Yeah, I’d like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Kate Gale is.. the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I say she is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. she’s just.. I wish.. you know.. I wish I could know her more, you know? Because.. she.. she is one of a kind, you know? She’s.. I think about her all the time, and.. well, I’m wondering – should we kill her?
Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God’s sake, no!
Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.
Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I’d like Doug to explain why he wants to kill Kate-O!
Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she’d be, you know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Kate Gale.
Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill her, then?!
Doug: Um.. because.. so she wouldn’t know how unworthy I am to hang out with her..?
Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don’t follow. What about the girl you want to meet?
Doug: Aw, she’s probably a lesbo anyway.
Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn’t have to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Kate Gale, say Aye.
Mr. Chairman: All those who don’t think she should be killed, say Nay.
Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. She lives. But the vote shouldn’t have been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss. Now, I got a letter from Kate Gale’s publicist. It seems somebody has been killing her housepets again. Now, I’m not gonna ask which one of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.
Comic: What exercise?
Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy a little less blurry. You’ll see.
Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?
Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Kate Gale, I shouldn’t want to grab a lock of her hair.
Mr. Chairman: That’s good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really neat to have a lock of her hair, we know that’s not right. Someone else?
Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send her a fan letter telling her how good she was in the conference panel where she talked about doing the work to help your publisher sell your book, but I shouldn’t want to type the letter on a death certificate.
Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh? Okay, so let’s keep going. Come on.
Adam: I should like reading Kate Gale’s writing a lot, but I shouldn’t have to masturbate at the end of every book.
Mr. Chairman: That’s right. That is right. Discipline. Next?
Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Kate-O a simple dinner if she truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that she accepts it telepathically.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let’s keep the exercise in the form of “should” and “shouldn’t”, okay? Next?
Phil: I should want to cook her a simple meal, but I shouldn’t want to cut into her, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where her flesh becomes my key.
Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.
Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to her nicely, I shouldn’t want to keep her in a big jar in my basement.
Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that’s great, we understand that now. Go on, though. Why shouldn’t you put her in a big jar in your basement?
Doug: Because.. her breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn’t be able to see her..?
Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..
Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You’re talking about killing Kate Gale, and putting this Kate-O woman in a big jar, and dead housepets?! I mean, can’t you see what you’re talking about is wrong?! I mean, can’t you see that?!
[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath fogging up the glass ]
[ fade out ]