This ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ Thing Is Bullshit

Okay, this Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter crap is absolute bullshit. I fucking hate vampires anyway. Did we really need to decide that Abraham Lincoln needed to be in a vampire movie? Have we seriously run this far out of ideas for vampire movies?

(Note, there could be some residual animosity on my part that they decided to make Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter instead of taking my suggestion and making him King of the Piñatas.)

Anyway, why does old Honest Abe get all the love? We could improperly educate more Americans if we made movies about other former presidents that deliberately fictionalized their lives to be more exciting and have nothing to do with them. Hell, everybody knows Abe. He’s one of the three or so presidents most Americans can name (the current president not always included).

Why not:

– John Quincy Adams: Hater of Cocker Spaniels

– Rutherford B. Hayes: Emissary to the Antelopes

– James Madison: Founder of the Super Friends

– William Howard Taft: Wore a Fake Fat Suit All His Life So No One Would Know He Was a Closet Bodybuilder

– Martin Van Buren: Actually Andrew Jackson in Disguise

– Millard Fillmore: Discoverer of Things That Have Already Been Discovered

– William Henry Harrison: Break-dancing Enthusiast and General Badass

– Eleanor Roosevelt (come on, we all know she was really president): World Arm Wrestling Champion

– Lyndon B. Johnson: Gay Porn Star

– Grover Cleveland: Once Shot a Man Just to Watch Him Die

Just saying, I think any of these easily could have been made into just as good a movie as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

By the way, here’s a hint: if you are making vampire movies about Abraham Lincoln…perhaps you have run out of vampire movie ideas. Rather than making dumber and dumber vampire movies, perhaps you should make some other kind of movie.

About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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3 Responses to This ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ Thing Is Bullshit

  1. Jenni says:

    (Haha, esp. on Van Buren & Fillmore!) I’m glad someone finally said something about the premise of this movie; I was starting to think it was just me.

  2. By the way, the idea that a movie about John Quincy Adams (though not necessarily one involving cocker spaniels) would have been superior to this one was first suggested to me by Patrick Garnatz. I have to admit that and have at least promised if I get paid for my movie idea that I will at least buy him a sandwich.

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