I suddenly realized yesterday that it was Halloween and I had forgotten to buy a pumpkin to carve into a jack-o-lantern and place on my doorstep. Of course, I panicked. I knew exactly the danger I was in.
After all, we all know that you have to put a jack-o-lantern on your doorstep on Halloween. Late Halloween night, Samuel Hain and his supernatural crew of motorcycle hoodlums, the Halloweeners, will go riding across the earth, escorting the souls of all the dead who sweep over the landscape and devour the life force of all growing things, bringing on the season of winter. Only if you have a jack-o-lantern on your doorstep will Samuel Hain and the Halloweeners ride on by. Otherwise, they might come inside.
I mean, say goodbye to your life force.
But, luckily, my wife was in a helpful mood. She took me over to Safeway to get a pumpkin ($5 for a tiny pumpkin, thank you very much Safeway) and I was able to carve it into a jack-o-lantern and put in outside my door in time. As such, my life force is still intact and I am safe for another year from Samuel Hain and the Halloweeners.
Boy, talk about a relief. How was everyone else’s Halloween? (Cue Hobbes saying: I don’t know which is more appalling, your grasp of meteorology or theology.)