I was just thinking about Tom Hanks this morning and for some reason it suddenly occurred to me that there are still some mysteries about him. The fact that he hasn’t made the slightest effort to clear any of them up gives me pause. It probably means nothing, but one never knows.
1. Tom Hanks has never been seen in the same room as the Loch Ness monster. Coincidence?
2. To date, Tom Hanks has issued no denial to the effect that he is really a cabbage in disguise.
3. Tom Hanks has never disavowed that he one day intends to conquer Byzantium.
4. Tom Hanks was strangely absent for the entire period of 17th century France.
5. Despite how good a marketing idea it would be, Tom Hanks has never put his name on a line of ham hocks, which would of course be called “Hanks Hocks.” Why?
6. The Discovery Channel has mysteriously never explored whether or not Amelia Earhart disappeared to Tom Hanks’s navel.
7. Tom Hanks has never been proven to not be the reincarnation of Napoleon’s butler.
I’ll just leave you with these. Maybe they’re nothing…but maybe there’s something to at least one of these. If so, let me know which one.