A new study apparently indicates that most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics. Clearly this means you all need to keep drinking heavily.
After all, if most heavy drinkers are not alcoholics that MUST mean that most alcoholics do not drink what is considered “heavily.” Ergo, if heavy drinkers reduce their consumption, they would not be drinking as heavily and would put themselves squarely in the population where alcoholism is most prevalent. They would be part of the population with the higher statistical odds of being an alcoholic.
Thus, there is clearly only one solution. Drink heavily. Otherwise, you could be an alcoholic.
Heavy drinking carries its own costs and puts its own toll on the body, but are people willing to chance alcoholism? I wouldn’t risk it. Animal House said it best:
Bluto: [thrusting six-pack into Flounder’s hands] My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he’s in pre-med.