I’m Going To Start Crushing People’s Hands

A new study apparently correlates handshake strength to how likely you are to die in the next few years. I’m sure the article says not to read too much into this and how this probably just evidences other factors that relate to immediate survival, but what fun is reading the article? Let’s just go ahead and extend this study way, way further than it can go.

I now plan to attempt to crush people’s hands any time I engage in a handshake from now on. I’m going to squeeze like my life depends on it, under the idea that it just might. I’m going to crush as if cause and effect, presuming there really is one and that this isn’t just correlational or evidence of other factors that the handshake itself won’t change, and effect and cause are interchangeable.

Get ready for crushed hands. I’m going to live forever.


About David S. Atkinson

David S. Atkinson enjoys typing about himself in the third person, although he does not generally enjoy speaking in such a fashion. However, he is concerned about the Kierkegaard quote "Once you label me you negate me." He worries that if he attempts to define himself he will, in fact, nullify his existence...
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