I figured since this was my third post about Dead Nixon for president in 2012, we might as well make a whole week out of it (if I can come up with that much material). Now, I realize some people may be upset when they find out that they elected a dead man to the highest office in America. As such, I have taken the liberty of dreaming up how such a complaint might go (apologies to John Cleese, Michael Palin, and the rest of the Pythons as well as their heirs and assigns for this parody):
Dead Nixon Sketch
The cast:
Registered Voter
John Cleese
Election Worker
Michael Palin
The sketch:
A voter enters a polling center.
Registered Voter: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Election Worker does not respond.)
Registered Voter: ‘Ello, Miss?
Election Worker: What do you mean “miss”?
Registered Voter: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Election Worker: We’re closin’ for lunch.
Registered Voter: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Richard Nixon what I voted for not half an hour ago from this very polling establishment.
Election Worker: Oh yes, the, uh, the Richard Nixon…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
Registered Voter: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Election Worker: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Registered Voter: Look, matey, I know a dead president when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Election Worker: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable president, the Richard Nixon, idn’it, ay? Beautiful jowls!
Registered Voter: The jowls don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Election Worker: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
Registered Voter: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the presidential podium) ‘Ello, Mister Tricky Dick! I’ve got a lovely fresh censored tape for you if you
show…
(Election Worker hits the presidential podium)
Election Worker: There, he moved!
Registered Voter: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the presidential podium!
Election Worker: I never!!
Registered Voter: Yes, you did!
Election Worker: I never, never did anything…
Registered Voter: (yelling and hitting the presidential podium repeatedly) ‘ELLO TRICKY DICK!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes Nixon out of the presidential podium and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Registered Voter: Now that’s what I call a dead president.
Election Worker: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
Registered Voter: STUNNED?!?
Election Worker: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Nixons stun easily, major.
Registered Voter: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Richard Nixon is definitely deceased, and when I voted for it not ‘alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged resignation speech.
Election Worker: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the Watergate Hotel.
Registered Voter: PININ’ for the WATERGATE HOTEL?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?
Election Worker: The Richard Nixon prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable president, id’nit, squire? Lovely jowls!
Registered Voter: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Nixon when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing its podium in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Election Worker: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that Nixon down, it would have oozed over the top of that podium, sailed over the crowd using only its jowls, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Registered Voter: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this Nixon wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
Election Worker: No no! ‘E’s pining!
Registered Voter: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Nixon is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e
rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the podium ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the
bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!!
(pause)
Election Worker: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh,
we’re right out of Nixons.
Registered Voter: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Election Worker: I got a Sarah Palin.
(pause)
Registered Voter: Pray, does it talk?
Election Worker: Nnnnot coherently.
Registered Voter: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Election Worker: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Registered Voter: Well.
(pause)
Election Worker: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?
Registered Voter: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
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